


Let's Make This Beautiful

by Midkup (legionette)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is ambitious, Alana is assistant directing, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Evan is an amazing singer with zero confidence, He's also the cutest, Heathers AU, M/M, Musical Theatre AU, Slow Burn, but it might be spoiled for you, connor is a sophomore, evan is a freshman, please ignore the fact i'm overestimating ben platts vocal range, probably happier than most of the DEH fics on this website, the slowest burn ever actually, this is probably gonna be a super long fic, will update a lot, yeah that's right bitches, you dont really need to know heathers to enjoy this, you'll find out the other roles soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2018-10-18 00:44:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10605771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legionette/pseuds/Midkup
Summary: Evan Hansen is a musical theatre nerd who's terrified of being anything except an ensemble member. Connor Murphy is basically forced to audition by his parents who desperately want him to join an extra curricular.





	1. Audition

Evan loved theatre more than most things in life. After four years of feeling lost in high school, he really never thought he would find his place anywhere, no matter what his mother told him weekly. But in an attempt to make that reality come true, he branched out when registering for classes, signing up for intro to acting, web development 1, and some random novel writing class, hoping that one of them would click with him and he’d find a place to go in university. 

And that’s exactly what happened. 

Evan ended up dropping web development and the novel class a few weeks into first semester when he realized that intro to acting was an amazing class that he was definitely interested in. It was full with so many genuinely nice people and the director was amazing and understanding and funny and it was a good way to get Evan out of his comfort zone and he absolutely loved it. He was also told that he was very good at it a few months in when they performed musical theatre solos for the class. Evan had picked What Baking Can Do from Waitress the musical - one of his all-time favorites - and was met with everyone in the class freaking out on him about how good his performance was. It was a serious confidence booster. He had auditioned for the fall musical and thankfully got in as an ensemble member, and that’s where he was happy. He was satisfied with being in the ensemble. It didn’t come with the major anxiety that he would get if he was cast as a lead, but it still gave him the happiness of being in the show, and honestly sometimes being in the ensemble was better than being a lead. Fewer lines to memorize, more dancing and harmonies to sing. 

Theatre had been Evan’s home for the past semester, and he was probably the happiest he had ever been. Sure he still had anxiety and had a pretty hard time speaking to strangers, but he was confident enough to audition and get on stage and that was a pretty darn big improvement from his junior and senior year of high school. So when Evan saw the audition sheets for the spring musical, ‘Heathers’, he happily signed up. His director had been hyping up the spring musical for awhile, as they announced what it was going to be a few months prior, and that definitely got all of the actors excited for it as well. Evan was definitely hoping to be cast, probably as the nerd ensemble member or something, so he had been working on his audition song for a while with Zoe.

He was singing Pulled from the Addams family musical, and if he was being completely honest with himself, it was really good. Evan was a natural belter and when Zoe started training him - Zoe being one of the best sopranos that Evan had ever met in his entire life - his vocal range expanded immensely, as did his vocal style. He was most comfortable with pop-rock musicals, which was extremely convenient due to the choice of show.

So that’s where he found himself on early Monday morning, Zoe’s apartment that was just a few blocks from campus, switching off practicing their audition songs. Evan had just finished singing his and was very out of breath, sitting down on Zoe’s bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“How was that?” He asked after a few seconds, looking over at his best friend. She frowned, leaning forward slightly with her eyes closed, thinking. 

“Well, good job fixing your enunciation for the last twenty seconds, I know it’s hard to make your words clear when you’re belting that high, but you’re a little bit too loud. It’s a bad habit to get louder when things get harder, and I know you can hit those notes normally, Evan. It’s a stretch but you can do it.” Zoe spoke, opening her eyes again.

Zoe was phenomenal, in Evan’s mind. She would make a great Broadway star one day, and hopefully, when she outgrew the stage she would retire to be a vocal director. Her voice was beautiful and she could pick out minute details that needed to be fixed in a song.

“Thanks,” He responded, cracking his neck to the side. “Do you want to go?”

Zoe shook her head no, leaning back on the wall next to her bed. “Nah, I want to rest my voice until auditions.” She spoke simply, looking extremely relaxed for someone who had to audition for a show in less than three hours. Evan, on the other hand, was extremely nervous and it was very obvious. “Do you want some throat coat?” Zoe offered, picking up Evans hand, feeling how shaky he was. 

Evan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and stood up from Zoe’s bed, taking deep breaths. If he was nervous now, that wasn’t a good sign at all. How would he act when he was actually auditioning? He had nothing to worry about, honestly. He had already gotten into the last musical and proved himself with that, right? And it wasn’t like he was going for a lead. He wanted ensemble. It was easy to get into the ensemble. Zoe crashed his train of thought by grabbing his hand and tugging him out of her room into the kitchen. Evan loved Zoe’s apartment. It was small but it was a perfect size for just her and her brother, and it had the cutest colored walls and furniture. He plopped down on a bar stool, sighing loudly as he watched Zoe take out two mugs and start the kettle.

“I have no doubt in my mind that they’re going to immediately cast you a-” A door opened and Evan cut himself off with an awkward cough, knowing exactly which door opened even though his back was facing it. Connor Murphy was Zoe’s older brother. Her extremely attractive older brother to be specific. Evan found him striking from the first time he laid eyes on the sophomore, which was kind of ironic, seeing as the first interaction he had with Connor was when he pushed him down in the universities courtyard. But that wasn’t enough to stop Evan from immediately developing a huge crush on him. He remembered that day, after their interaction in the courtyard he immediately called Zoe, asking her for details about this boy, shocked when he found out that Connor was Zoe’s brother. They weren’t close friends at that point so Evan had never visited Zoe’s apartment, therefore him being oblivious to that fact. He was often teased by Zoe, she always accused him of only being friends with her because he thought her brother was smoking hot. 

Evan turned his head to where he could see Connor, a small smile coming to his face. “Hey, Connor.” He spoke, trying his best to seem cool and casual, though it probably came off as weird. At least he didn’t stutter though. 

His words were met with a glare and an eye roll, Connor completely ignoring him in favor of turning to his sister to ask a question. “Stupid auditions are today, right?” He asked, voice gravelly, giving away the fact that he had just woken up.

Evan fell slightly more in love once he heard that deep tone of voice.

Zoe scoffed at the stupid comment but nodded anyways, pouring the boiling water into their mugs over tea bags. “Yeah, it is. Are you still auditioning?” She asked, ignoring how Evan literally choked on his own spit after she said that.

Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy was auditioning for the spring musical. That meant Connor Murphy was about to watch Evan Hansen sing a song about how in love he is with a boy. This changed everything. 

Connor responded with a curt nod, opening up the fridge to grab a bottle of water before slamming it shut and heading back to his room, muttering something about how he could drive all of them to the auditions before he shut his door firmly, leaving the two in silence.

“So..” Evan spoke after a few moments, clearing his throat, making eye contact with a guilty looking Zoe. “When were you planning on telling me that your brother is auditioning?” He asked, his voice a little squeaky due to the immense nervousness building up inside of him.

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you, Evan. I know you and how anxious you’d get.” She spoke with a sigh, handing Evan his cup of tea, leaning against her refrigerator. Evan wanted to argue, but she was right. She had a good reason to not tell him. “Let’s go watch Gossip Girl until Connor drives us to auditions, okay?” Zoe asked softly, moving to where she could tug Evan towards her couch, knowing exactly how to make Evan relax. 

God, he was so grateful for his best friend.

-

Car rides when someone other than his mom or Zoe was driving always made Evan nervous, but with Connor driving it was a whole ‘nother level of nervousness, because Connor genuinely drove like a maniac. If Evan had never seen Zoe drive this car he would one hundred percent believe that it didn’t have functional blinkers, because Connor never bothered to use them. He preferred to just turn and then flip the bird at anyone who honked at him for it, along with rolling down his window and screaming at him. The whole time this was happening, Zoe was just casually scrolling through Instagram like this was normal human behavior. But before Evan knew it, they were sitting in their universities auditorium, waiting for Zoe’s name to be called, as she was the first one out of the three to audition. At least Connor driving fast made the ride over quicker, right? Evan sighed and slumped in his seat, watching yet another girl audition with Defying Gravity, her voice sounding exactly the same as the five before her. 

As soon as Defying Gravity number five stepped off the stage, he heard the words ‘Zoe Murphy’ being called out by Alana Beck and he sat up immediately. “Oh my god, break a leg Zo, you’re going to slay this.” He murmured excitedly to Zoe as she stood up. Evan smiled when she did, his eyes never leaving her.

“You know, I was going to ask you if you had a thing with my sister, but I don’t think I need to ask anymore after I just heard you utter the word ‘slay’.” Connor spoke, his voice very lighthearted and joking. 

Despite it being very obvious that he wasn’t seriously making fun of Evan or anything, his face went bright red immediately. “Um, yeah, uh, we’re not, together, or anything, you’re right.” He managed to mutter out before Zoe’s music to Blondie’s ‘Call Me’ started. Evan tried his best to focus on Zoe’s killer performance, he really did, but he couldn’t when he just found out that Connor Murphy is very aware of how gay he is.

He started to slightly panic when he realized that Zoe’s audition was halfway through. Evan couldn’t just go on the stage blushing and stuttering, he needed to calm down now. So he closed his eyes and took deep breaths and started focusing on his happy face, and before he knew it he was completely calm and his name was called to go up and audition. He took a deep breath before standing, ignoring everyone and everything around him as he walked up to the stage, turning towards the directors with a smile, starting his slate.

“Hi, my name is Evan Hansen and I’m performing ‘Pulled’ from The Addams Family musical. Thank you.” He looked down and took a deep breath, quickly falling into the wild character that is Wednesday Addams, before looking up at the audience, face blank but eyes filled with love. “I don’t have a sunny disposition, I’m not known for being too amused. My demeanors locked in one position, see my face, I’m enthused.” He got a few laughs at that line, to his satisfaction. Evan continued his performance, not looking at any specific faces in the audience, knowing that would rip him out of character fast.

The song went by so quickly and before he knew it he was on his knees, belting out “And you bet I’ll bite too, do what’s truly taboo, as I’m pulled in a new direction.” Making sure his voice was in control, not going too loud, enunciating his words nicely. He stayed in character for a few seconds after the music stopped before standing up and thanking the directors again. Evan quickly moved back to sitting next to Zoe, looking over at the siblings beside him, beaming. “How was that?” He asked quietly, very very pleased when he saw Connor’s face. He wasn’t necesarilly smiling at Evan, but he definitely looked shocked and impressed.

Zoe basically exploded on Evan, quickly whispering so much praise on the boy. “Holy fuck, Evan, you’ve never done it that well, that was the best performance you’ve ever done in your entire life, I swear to god. You’re going to get casted as like, JD or something.” She gushed, causing Evan to giggle quietly.

“Oh come on, I’m not nearly scary enough to be casted as JD, be realistic.” He whispered back with an eye roll, going silent when Connors name was called. “Break a leg.” He said quietly to Connor, a small smile on his face when the other boy muttered back a thank you. Zoe looked over at him, obviously very impressed about how confident and normal Evan sounded when he just spoke to her brother.

“Hi, I’m Connor Murphy and I’m singing Freeze Your Brain.” Connor spoke clearly. Evan hummed quietly, raising his eyebrows. So he was really going for it, huh. Everyone knows that the only time you ever sing a song from the show you’re auditioning for is when you refuse to accept any role except the one you’re auditioning with. Evan was curious on how this was going to play out. And it did play out. It played out amazingly. Connor had an excellent voice that definitely did leave Evans jaw on the ground and definitely did make him fall even harder for the taller boy. Connor was a perfect JD. It was obvious.

Eventually Connor finished his song and got off the stage, and the next ten or so people went by so extremely fast, probably because all that Evan was thinking about was Connor’s performance and how amazing and perfect it was and about how amazing and perfect Connor was in general. And soon enough, Ms. R and Alana beck, director and student assistant director, respectively, stood up to congratulate everyone.

“All of you had amazing auditions and this is going to be an almost impossible decision, but a decision is going to be made nonetheless.” Ms. R spoke kindly, a smile on her face. “Alana and I are going to leave the room for a few minutes to discuss and make our final choices on casting, everyone can stay in here and wait and we’ll announce the cast list when we get back.” The two directors left swiftly, walking backstage, probably ending up in Ms. R’s office which resided nearby. 

There was a very obvious tension in the room, something Evan really hated the feeling of. This was the worst part of theatre, the waiting. There was jealously and nervousness and insecurity just radiating off of the sixty or so people in the theatre at the moment, and that wasn’t going to go away until everyone knew the cast list, that’s for sure. Evan cleared his throat and turned towards Zoe and Connor, a small forced smile on his face. “I want to puke.” He said quietly after a few seconds, stomach churning. He wasn’t actually going to puke, it just kind of felt like it.

Connor wrinkled up his nose in response, shaking his head no. “If you puke, I’ll puke, and then the entire room will probably puke and it’ll be disgusting. Besides, you have no reason to be nervous, you had the best song out of everyone here.” Connor said a little bit too loudly, getting Evan a few glares from guys in front of him. God damn it.

“Oh come on, Connor, be quiet, that’s not true at all.” He murmured, cheeks going pink. He just stared at Connor after that, maintaining eye contact with the boy which was for some reason not awkward at all, until it was interrupted by Zoe.

“Wow. This is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen from you, Connor.” She said matter-of-factly, a smug smile on her face when she made Connor rip his gaze off of Evan, earning intense glares from the both of them, along with a snide comment from her brother, which caused a meaningless argument between the two of them that Evan definitely wasn’t paying attention to. He chose instead to close his eyes and just focus on his breathing, begging God to make the time go by as fast as possible.

Apparently God was busy because the time dragged by and it ended up being the longest fifteen minutes in his entire life. But Alana and Ms. R did come back eventually, causing the chatter in the room to stop immediately, as did everyone's breathing.

“Alright, I have the cast list here. I’m going to read it off, starting with ensemble members, then moving to supporting characters, then leads. For everyone who isn’t on this sheet, please audition for the fall musical next year.” She cleared her throat before starting the list. “The ensemble consists of six people. Kevin Murphy, Jeremy Jordan, Corri English, Jenna Green, Tom Compton, and Logan Deluca.”

Evans heart dropped.

Right. He wasn’t in the ensemble, meaning he wasn’t in the show. He wasn’t casted. He immediately looked down at his lap, tucking his knees to his chest. He didn’t expect this to hurt that much.

“Next is featured roles..”

Evan barely listened to that, squeezing his eyes shut so he could focus on his breathing and emotions. He would be upset and cry later. He needed to focus on Zoe now. He needed to congratulate her when she got Veronica or one of the Heathers.

“And now the three leads. Playing JD is Connor Murphy..”

Evan grinned at that, ignoring how much his stomach hurt. It was super cool that Connor was going to play JD. Evan called that from the audition, it was so good.

“Playing Heather Chandler is Zoe Murphy..”

Evan immediately hugged Zoe who squeaked in joy, genuinely so happy for her. Wow. This was going to be such a good show.

“And playing Veronica Sawyer is Evan Hansen.” Ms. R was beaming.

Evans eyes went wide, immediately staring at Connor. “What the fuck?”


	2. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for the support you all have been giving me for the first chapter. I am extremely excited to write this fic and I'm so happy you guys are excited for it too.
> 
> That being said, I'm going to try to upload either every day or every other day, though this week might be a little off schedule because the musical I'm in just opened yesterday. Thanks again for kudos and comments!

Veronica Sawyer, a brainy, beautiful teenage misfit who hustles her way into the most powerful and ruthless clique. That was the official playbill description of Evan’s character. He would be one hundred percent fine with it, if it wasn’t for two things. 

A) The character is definitely written to be a girl

And

B) Connor Murphy is cast as JD, Veronica’s love interest.

Evan didn’t really know much about Heathers to be completely honest. He read the synopsis, checked out the characters vocal ranges and listened to JD’s song to see if he would fit the part, and that’s it. But he knew enough to know that he would have to act couple-y with Connor and he didn’t know if his heart could honestly handle that. 

But it would have to. He was cast.

“I know you guys are confused about this unconventional casting, but we wanted to try something new and we did get permission from the playwrights a few weeks ago about switching the gender of Veronica, making it even more of a social commentary. I hope you guy’s are as excited as we are and the first read through starts tomorrow at 8AM sharp.” Ms. R delivered her final speech before walking off with Alana, both of them looking very pleased with themselves.

Evan collapsed back in his seat, soaking in all the very passive aggressive looks he was getting from the females that weren’t cast. “What.. the fuck.” He murmured again to himself, shaking his head before he looked over at Connor and Zoe, eyes wide. “How? How did this happen?”

Connor shrugged, “You did well on your audition and you’re pretty feminine in the first place, so..” He trailed off, pulling a pack of gum out of his pocket. He unwrapped a piece and popped it into his mouth before speaking again. “Mom’s going to be so pleased that we got leads, Zo.” He spoke, changing the subject off of Evan, speaking directly to his sister.

Zoe nodded, still beaming. “This might be the best show this university has ever seen. We are such an iconic trio.” She stood up, stretching her arms above her head before grabbing both of the guys’ hands, pulling them up as well. “Come on, this calls for a celebration of coffee.” She said cheerily, heading towards the exit of the auditorium. Connor muttered something about a caffeine addiction but followed anyways, walking next to Evan.

The coffee shop they ended up at was just around the corner, a small french themed cafe with crepes and croissants and the works. Evan was last in line and ordered a small mocha before going to sit with his friends, still extremely shocked from the news they had just received. “So..” He spoke after a moment of just listening to Zoe gush over how good Connor is going to be. “Are you two more familiar with Heathers than I am?” He asked, looking between the siblings desperately.

They both nodded. “Yeah, I’ve loved it for a while and forced Connor to watch it with me as soon as he said that he was auditioning.” Zoe smiled, elbowing her brother. Evan was honestly very surprised about how Zoe was acting with her brother. They usually were at each others throats whenever he came over so this was a unique experience. Maybe it was because they were both happy for each other? Hopefully it would continue like this through rehearsals and everything. Zoe always did talk about how she wished she had a better relationship with Connor.

Evan forced his thoughts to get back on track. “Okay, cool. That’s good that two out of the three leads know what they’re doing.” He joked, silently praising himself when that got a quick burst of air out of Connor’s nose. Not quite a laugh but hey, Evan appreciated anything he could get. Retrospectively, Evan should have expected Connor to be super talented. He is a Murphy, and from what he’s seen, Murphy’s tend to be beautiful and talented and really nice people. The barista soon came out with the trio’s drinks and Zoe thanked her as Evan took a cautious sip of his, checking if it was too hot to drink without burning his tongue. It wasn’t.

“I still don’t understand why I was cast. It’s not like I have the vocal range for Veronica, she’s a mezzo-soprano and also I’ve never really acted in a show before? I was part of the ensemble for the last show, I just danced and sang and moved set pieces. I don’t really know if I can act.” Evan took a larger drink, running his hands through his hair.

Evan’s worries immediately were met with a scoff from Zoe. “Evan, are you forgetting the fact that I’m in your introduction to acting class and I did see the monologue you performed before winter break and it did make me, along with the rest of the class, cry our eyes out? You’re a great actor. Ms. R knows that. I know that. You should know that.”

Evan scoffed right back at her. “The only reason that it made girls cry was because I was the only guy to choose a dramatic monologue and the girls were crying about how all the sensitive guys are gay.” He shot back, very proud of himself when he heard Connor laugh. 

Zoe was grinning too and mumbled out a quick “Touche” before taking a big drink of her frappuccino. They all soon finished their drinks, Evan and Zoe joking around with each other while Connor mainly just watched, occasionally laughing.

“I should probably go to my dorm now, I have an evening class and I need to finish an assignment for it.” Evan said after he took the final drink of his mocha, standing up from the table.

 

Zoe and Connor both stood up as well and Zoe frowned. “We can give you a ride back if you want?” 

Evan shook his head no. “Nah, I’m in the Summit dorms, remember? They’re really close.” Also it would allow him to avoid another near death experience from being in a car with Connor driving.

Zoe was satisfied with Evans answer and moved to give him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Okay, I guess. I’ll see you at rehearsals tomorrow. Congrats again.” 

He smiled and picked up his jacket, putting it on quickly. “Thanks Zo, I’ll see you. ...Bye Connor.” And at that, Evan walked out of the cafe, a wide smile on his face. 

That was a very positive experience hanging out with Connor. Sure, the older boy was silent most of the time, but he did laugh at Evan’s jokes occasionally and Evan didn’t embarrass himself at all. In his book, that was the definition of a good time. May be being Connor’s romantic interest in the musical was going to be a good thing for him.

-

When Evan woke up the next morning, he realized this was the most terrified and excited he has ever been in his entire life. He wasn’t ready, but also, he was? It was a complicated feeling.

A feeling that suddenly became very clear when he stepped into the rehearsal space, causing everyone in the room to immediately go silent, as if they were all talking about Evan and didn’t want to get caught by him, which Evan honestly didn’t blame them for. He would be talking about the boy that was cast as Veronica Sawyer too. But it definitely affected his confidence and general demeanor as he walked into the room, making a beeline to Zoe, quickly taking the seat next to her.

Evan started to relax once conversations picked up again, sighing and turning to his best friend. “This is horrible, everyone hates me, I shouldn’t be cast as Veronica, oh my God.” He groaned, rubbing his temples.

Zoe immediately glared at him. “Shut up, Evan, you were cast for a reason and everyone knows that. People are just talking about how interesting of a choice it is, not that you’re bad.” She pinched Evans side, making him jump.

“It’s true.” Mumbled Connor from the other side of Zoe, his eyes closed and earbuds in. How could he even hear the conversation? Evan was sure his cheeks were pink at this point,

“See? Connor just praised you. He never praises anyone. Trust him.” Zoe grinned.

Evan just rolled his eyes and opened his phone, mindlessly scrolling through social medias until Ms. R and Alana got the attention of the room.

“Welcome everyone! I hope you all are as excited as we are. The first thing we’re going to do today is have you guys get into pairs and answer a few questions, as a bonding experience. We’re probably going to do this every rehearsal at the beginning up until show week, so get used to your buddy!” Alana said with a big smile looking around the room. “Pair up with someone that makes sense for you to pair up with, Heather with Heather, JD with Veronica, et cetera et cetera. Go now!”

Everyone in the room started moving, finding their person, and Evan stayed seated, waiting for Connor to initiate the conversation, not wanting to embarrass himself or anything. Eventually his waiting paid off and Connor did slide over one chair to where he was sitting next to Evan, pulling an earbud out, moving his chair to where they were knee to knee.  
“Alright, the first question everyone needs to discuss is what they want to get out of this show. Go!”

Evan bit his bottom lip, thinking for a moment. It would be very inappropriate to say that he wants to be in a relationship with Connor Murphy by the end of the show, no matter how true it was. But he couldn’t say that so he had to think of another one. “Uh.. Confidence. I want my confidence to grow by the end of this show.” He murmured after a second, meeting Connors eyes.

The other actor nodded. “Yeah, that’s a smart thing to want. If you have no confidence on stage your acting is going to suck. No pressure though.” He smirked. “I want to make my parents happy so they get off my back.”

Evan nodded back at Connor, though he didn’t really understand what he was saying. From what Zoe had told him, they were fine parents. Well, to her at least.

“Next question is list a way that you relate to your character.” Alana called out.

Connor responded to this one immediately, his face empty of all emotion. “I relate to JD because we both are eventual school shooters.”

Evan froze, eyes wide. Was that a threat? Was he just threatened? He immediately started thinking of escape routes, but was cut off by the sound of Connor laughing.

“Wow, you should have seen your face, you looked so fucking terrified just then, oh my god, you actually think I’m going to be a school shooter.” He laughed, running a hand through his long curly hair.

Evan knew his face was bright red and he looked down at his lap. “I’m gullible, okay, shut up.” He basically whined before clearing his throat, making eye contact again. “I relate to Veronica because we’re both misfits. Atleast I think she is, I haven’t seen the musical, I just read the synopsis.”

“Really?” Connor raised an eyebrow. “So you don’t know the music or anything?”

Evan shook his head no.

“So you haven’t listened to Dead Girl Walking?” A smirk was growing on Connors face and Evan shook his head no again.

“No, why? Is it emotional or really hard to sing or something?” He questioned, furrowing his eyebrows.

Connor just shook his head and grinned. “Yeah it’s.. It’s something.”

Evan was about to ask Connor to be more specific but before he opened his mouth Alana shouted out the next question.

“The final question today is what are you concerned about for the show?”

Connor spoke up first for this one. “I’m concerned that I’m not going to be able to memorize a shit ton of lines.” 

Evan frowned. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, you’ll just need to practice a lot.”

“I think you’re overestimating my work ethic, Evan Hansen.” Connor scoffed.

That worried Evan. That worried Evan a whole lot. If Connor wasn’t committed to the musical, then that would make Evan look bad too, which would make the show bad, which would mean Evan would never be cast in a show ever again and he would go back to being anxious and sad and who wants that? He broke the silence after a few seconds and took a deep breath before speaking.

“I’m worried that uh, the romance is between two boys?” He said hesitantly, watching Connor as he raised his eyebrows.

“Why, aren’t you a fag?”

Ouch. Wow. That one hurt. Evan didn’t really care about the slur in general, he was desensitized from it after high school, but he didn’t expect that from Connor Murphy. He swallowed thickly and looked down at his lap, messing with the hem on his shirt. “No, yeah, uh, I am, that, but, uh.. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, or, uh, anyone, in the audience, I guess?” He stumbled over his words, taking deep breaths to keep his heart rate down.

Connor laughed at that, making Evan feel even worse. “Dude, we’re in Jersey, no one gives a shit about gay people anymore in Jersey.”

“Tell that to my high school.” Evan muttered before his filter could catch it, wincing when he realized that it sounded kind of rude. “Sorry.”

Connor ignored Evans apology, though he softened his tone after the other actors comment. Obviously that was a sensitive subject. “Also I thought it was common knowledge that Connor Murphy is a homo.”

Evan immediately perked up at that, making eye contact again. “What? Really? You don’t seem… y’know.”

Connor just scoffed. “Oh come on Evan. I know you’re a twink and you say slay and you define the gay stereotype, but not every gay guy has to.”

Evan didn’t respond, he just smiled. Huh.


	3. Full Disclosure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I wrote this chapter while drinking a Slurpee so I feel pretty good about it. As always, thanks for comments and kudos. I read every single one and I'm going to start responding to them too. 
> 
> Also this rehearsal process might seem weird, but I swear to god it's the same exact thing that happened when I played Veronica last year.

“September first, 1989. Dear diary, I think I’m a good person, you know I think there is good in everyone, but here we are, first day of senior year and I look around at these kids that I’ve known all my life, and I ask myself… What happened?” Evan started the musical off, looking around the circle as the ensemble chanted the following insults. He was very uncomfortable and it was probably obvious from the shake in his voice. When the line to start the first song was cued, everyone sat back, some people sang their part if they knew it, some just listened. Evan was in the second group.

At the end of Beautiful, Evan winced. That was a high belt he had to reach and do a run with. As soon as the music stopped he instinctively tried to do the run in his falsetto, not wanting to burst the eardrums of everyone in the room. He winced again when his high note was sharp, but other than that, he nailed it. Cool. 

“Dear diary, it’s been three weeks since I became friends with the Heathers! Actually, friends isn’t exactly the right word, it’s more like the Heathers are people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.” The swear word sounded unnatural coming out of his mouth, as he rarely swore in real life and it was going to sound even more forced when he was reading a script. 

The quick scene he had with Martha and the Heathers passed by quickly, and before he knew it they were listening to the next song, and it was extremely funny watching Zoe nail it and create her own micro-sitting-choreography, along with her two Heathers next to her. He was so proud to call her his best friend. 

They quickly went through a bunch of scenes Freeze your brain, ending up at the party scene. Evan was pretty lost, as he’s never been drunk in his entire life so he really didn’t know how to act, so he just did what everyone else did and was thankful when no one stared at him weird. He frowned when they started the part about Martha, that was really sad. Zoe must feel bad. Evan felt bad enough for the bulimia joke he made. Soon enough the party scene was over and Zoe screamed at him, and the next song started. Dead Girl Walking. According to Connor this was an interesting song, so Evan was pretty excited to hear it.

He was reading along with the lyrics as the music played, occasionally glancing up at Connor who was definitely staring at him, watching for Evan’s reactions. He wasn’t quite sure why, until they got to the first chorus. Oh. Oh no. His face immediately turned pink. I decided I must ride you till I break you? Wow. Oh no.

Evans face continued to turn darker shades of pink and red as he read the stage directions, seeing Connor hide his smile behind his hand. Connor was definitely laughing at him but honestly Evan didn’t care, he had worse things to worry about. The stage directions literally had Evan on top of Connor grinding on him, both shirtless. This was going to break him. How was he supposed to belt an A6 while straddling Connor Murphy.

The rest of the scenes and the songs for the first act went by pretty uneventfully compared to dead girl walking, except for blue, where a kid that went to high school with him, Jared Kleinman, and another guy had to sing about how much they wanted to have sex with him. That definitely left Evans cheeks pink again.

When the final notes of Our Love is God played, Ms. R announced that they were going to take a little break before starting a bit of scene work, causing everyone to sigh in relief as they stood up to stretch their legs.

Evan stayed seated though, staring down at his script, starting to slightly panic. He definitely couldn’t do this. He couldn’t memorize this many lines, he couldn’t belt an A6 while have stage sex with Connor, he couldn’t act drunk. 

“Evan Hansen!” Spoke a familiar voice, and Evan looked up to meet eyes with Jared Kleinman, taking deep breaths to calm his breathing. “Looks like you finally got over your speech impediment, eh? It’s amazing what someone can do once they get over their disabilities.” Jared joked, a smug smile on his face.

What was this, high school again? Jared would always low key bully Evan in their senior and junior year, but would always play it off as jokes if Evan got upset and would call him a pussy. It sucked. He didn’t really like Jared at all.

“Uh, it wasn’t a speech impediment and you know that Jared.” He mumbled, looking around the room for any excuse to get out of this situation.

“Right, it was more of a social awareness issue, wasn’t it? Anyways, I’m glad that’s over, we can’t have you stuttering when you’re riding Connor Murphy’s dick.” His smirk grew when Evans face turned pink.

That’s it. Connor. That was his excuse. He was going to go talk to Connor. “Uh, yeah, I’m glad too.” He muttered before standing up and walking towards Connor without another word to Jared. Ugh. He really didn’t want to put up with that during rehearsals. Evan was already nervous enough.

When Evan approached, Connor took one of his earbuds out without saying a word, hinting that he’s open to conversation but wasn’t going to start one necessarily. It was a nice gesture. 

“So, uh, you were right.” Evan spoke sheepishly. “Dead Girl Walking is definitely something.” 

Connor laughed quietly and nodded. “I warned you.” He said with his eyebrows raised, changing the song on his phone before speaking again. “I think this is going to be really good.”

“The show in general or Dead Girl Walking?” Evan asked, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“Both.” Connor answered simply before pausing his music and pulling out his other earbud as Alana walked up to both of them. 

“Alright, Connor, Evan. You two are going to be on your own for most of your songs and scenes, Ms. R and I have decided that’s the best way to get genuine interactions from you two and that is what will make the show feel real. We’re viewing the Heathers as basically comic relief and a distraction from the real villain of the show, JD. So you’re going to be working the scenes with the Heathers with us, but you two need to be private for a while. You are required to come to vocal rehearsals on Thursdays and all call on Monday’s, but other than that you just need to finish blocking and character development by the first rehearsal of next month.” Alana explained. “Also the show is rated R, which means we have a lot of room for certain creative choices you guy’s want to make.”

Connor looked at her with his eyebrows raised. “So we’re scrapping the whole show and just making it a giant porn thing, right?” He spoke sarcastically, causing Evan to laugh.

Alana rolled her eyes. “You know what I meant. Feel free to go past the stage directions or alter them to make it more realistic for two guys instead of a guy and a girl. We still want to keep Evan feminine but we’re not going to ignore the fact he doesn’t have boobs. You’re both gay, figure it out.” She deadpanned before walking away.

Evan wrinkled up his nose at that, looking back at Connor. “Is it really that obvious that I’m...?”

“Evan, you look like you spend two hours every morning getting ready and one of the hours is solely dedicated to ironing your outfit for the day. Also, gay isn’t a bad word. You’re allowed to say it, God won’t smite you.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. It did take two hours for Evan to get ready and he did iron his clothes, but it didn’t take him an hour to do it. More like twenty minutes. “Yeah, whatever.” Evan grumbled, the two falling into a comfortable silence. Evan really liked this, co-existing with Connor. He really didn’t seem as closed off and as angry as Zoe constantly described him as. 

Soon enough, Ms. R grabbed the attention of the room again. “Alright, Alana went around to all of you and gave you the jist of what the next month will look like, your homework is to finish reading and listening to act 2 by vocal rehearsals. Thursday we will be working on the vocals for the opening number. Thank you!” 

As everyone starting leaving the rehearsal space, Zoe quickly came up to Connor and Evan to tell them she was going to go hang out with the other two Heathers, giving each of them a quick hug, leaving before they had time to respond. It left both of them surprised, but understanding. She was bonding with the girls she would be spending a lot of time with. That’s understandable and honestly something Connor and Evan should be doing.

Evidently, Connor was on the same train of thought as Evan. “Do you want to come over to our house or something? It’d probably be smart to spend time with each other.” Connor asked awkwardly, obviously out of his comfort zone.

Evan nodded and followed the taller boy out to his car, wrinkling up his nose when he remembered how bad of a driver Connor was and how he was risking his life once again by being in a car with him. He buckled up and closed his eyes once Connor put the car into gear, backing out of his parking space surprisingly smoothly, starting the drive back to his house. Evan frowned. He wasn’t driving scarily at all. This was fine. 

Connor noticed Evan’s confused expression. “I only drive bad with Zoe in the car to piss her off.” He admitted, knowing exactly what Evan was thinking about.

Right. Of course. That was definitely a normal person thing to do. Sure. Put your siblings life in danger to make her mad. Right.

They were soon parked outside of Connor's apartment complex, both of the boys getting out of the car and walking towards the building. After hearing the honk of Connor’s car after he locked it, Evan spoke up again. “This is weird to be here without Zoe. I mean, not like, a bad weird. Just a different weird.”

Connor just nodded in response as they walked into the building and up a flight of stairs, unlocking their apartment door. They walked in and Connor went straight into his room, leaving Evan standing in the hallway awkwardly, not sure what to do. He had never dared to enter Connors room before, even when he was left alone while Zoe showered or something. He was always curious on what it looked like, but he didn’t want to invade the personal space of her brother.

“Come on, my room won't bite you.” Connor grumbled from inside, giving Evan permission to cross the threshold. 

The first thing he noticed is the smell of weed, which was definitely expected. He had seen Connor high quite a few times, which honestly he didn’t have a problem with. It was Connor’s life and he was over 21 due to the gap year he took after high school so it’s not like it was super damaging to him. The second thing he noticed was how extremely normal his room looked. It was pretty clean, his bed was made and floor was clear for the most part, his walls were a dark shade of green and his bedding was mostly brown, and it was so normal. Definitely not what he expected.

Connor was laid down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Dude, stop analysing my stuff and sit.”

Evan followed directions, sitting on the foot of Connor's bed, back against the wall. “I like your room.” He spoke simply.

“Thanks, I do too.” Connor responded, closing his eyes. “Sorry ‘bout the smell.”

Evan shook his head no even though he knew Connor couldn’t see it. “No, I don’t mind. Most of the hallways in my dorm smell even stronger than this, I’m used to it.”

Connor nodded his head, opening his eyes and sitting up a little bit so he could see Evan. “Have you ever smoked before?” He asked, genuine curiosity evident on his face.

“I mean, I smoked a cigarette when I was like thirteen because I was curious, so you could say that I’m kind of a smoking expert.” Evan joked, shrugging. 

Connor laughed, to Evan’s delight. “Okay, I’m definitely going to get you high and or drunk before next month, I swear.”

Evan immediately tensed up, but nodded anyways. “Uh, okay. Sure. I guess that’ll help me do the party scene, right? It’ll make it more realistic…” He trailed off, his brain immediately going to Dead Girl Walking. Evan was not about to admit to Connor that the only time he’s ever made out with someone was at summer camp after sophomore year of high school. Seeing as Connor immediately made promises to get Evan intoxicated, he probably would hire Evan a hooker or something. Which would be a very very bad and embarrassing experience for the both of them.

“So what’s it like being Evan Hansen?” Connor asked after a few moments passed by, his eyes closed again.

Evan frowned, thinking about that question for a second before answering. “It’s alright. I overthink things a lot and that kind of sucks, but it’s better than it used to be. Everything is better than it used to be. I used to be Evan Hansen, a nobody with zero friends, but now I’m Evan Hansen, a nobody who has a lead in a musical and has at least one friend.” He smiled at that. “What’s it like being Connor Murphy?”

Connor answered without thinking about it beforehand, something Evan noticed he does a lot. “It’s fine. I smoke weed alot, but less than I used to. I’m still controlled by my parents even though I’m fucking 21, I have slight anger issues. But it’s the same as you. Everything is better than it used to be.”

Evan nodded, feeling a sense of understanding between the two. “Seems like we both had kind of messed up teen years.” Evan murmured, looking over at Connor.

“Yeah, Yeah it does.”


	4. Harsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this one is kind of short, I was just very eager to upload. I might end up uploading another chapter in a few hours, so look forward to that! As always, thanks for kudos and comments.

A few hours had passed and the two settled on playing video games to pass the time. They were currently playing Mario Kart, which Evan had initially argued would not help them bond, and Connor was definitely kicking his butt.

“And you said you were good at this game, that’s funny.” Connor teased as he saw Evan get hit with yet another blue shell.

“I am good at this game, I’m in third place, screw you.” Evan growled back, not taking his eyes off the screen. He was about to pass the second place AI and then he would actually have a chance to beat Connor.

Connor grinned as he crossed the finish line, putting his controller down. “Yeah well maybe that’d make you a better actor during Dead Girl Walking, don’t you think?”

Evan tried his best to make a good comeback to that, but it was impossible. He was just red in the face and stuttering, ending up in 4th place. “Dumb game anyways.” He grumbled under his breath, looking down at the wood flooring beneath him, trying to will his blush away.

Just as Connor was setting up another game, Connors door opened, revealing an annoyed looking Zoe, holding what looked like a fancy pipe? “Connor, you can’t just leave your drug paraphernalia all over the place, this is my apartment t- Oh, Evan, hey.” She raised her eyebrows, obviously surprised to see the boys sitting on Connor’s bed together.

Evan smiled up at her, setting his remote down. “Hey Zoe.” He said, trying not to laugh as Connor got up and angrily snatched what was in Zoe’s hands and shoved it in a drawer in his desk.

“Get out.” Connor snapped gruffly at her, causing her to roll her eyes.

“Evan’s my friend, not yours, I’m allowed to talk to him.” She replied back quickly, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow at Connor.

Connor scoffed, sitting back down next to Evan. “He’s probably only friends with you because he felt bad for you or something.”

Evan suddenly was very interested in the floor and the cracks between the floorboards. It was a very nice dark stained floor, which contrasted nicely to the yellow walls they had in their living room. This was not a situation he was comfortable in, and honestly if he had more confidence with the two of them he would be telling both of them to shut up, but he didn’t. So he sat, staring at the floor.

“Oh fuck you Connor the only reason he’s even likes you is because he thinks yo-” Zoe noticed Evans gaze suddenly on her and she stopped talking. “Whatever. You’re not worth it.” She grumbled before leaving his room, slamming the door behind her.

The only noise in the room was the Mario Kart music and it was definitely very awkward, Evan just sitting there looking at the walls, Connor with his eyes closed. But eventually the taller boy broke the silence by swearing under his breath and standing up, rummaging through his drawers before pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He moved to sit in his bay window, cracking it open before lighting the cigarette.   
  
Evan just sat there for a few seconds before speaking up. “You shouldn’t do that.” He murmured, referring to the cigarette between Connor’s fingers.

Connor just glared over at Evan before returning his gaze to outside his window.

“No, I’m serious, don’t do that.” Evan said a little more sternly, standing up to go sit on the bay window with Connor.

“Why does it matter to you what I do or what I don’t do.” He grumbled, raising an eyebrow at Evan.

“Well, one, it’s horrible for your health. Two, it will ruin your voice.” Evan frowned, thinking back to when Connor auditioned. He had such an amazing voice and it would be such a waste if he continued smoking. “Your voice is really good. Please stop smoking.”

Connor just stared at Evan for a few seconds before sighing and putting out the half smoked cigarette in the ashtray he kept near the window, rubbing his temples. “Wow, kid, you’re such a handful, you know that?”

Kid? He wasn’t a kid. He was eighteen. A legal adult. “I’m eighteen, you know. I’m not a kid.” He defended himself, crossing his arms.

Connor laughed humorlessly. “Yeah well I’m turning twenty-two soon, so yeah, you are a kid to me.” 

Evan rolled his eyes at that, looking out the window. A three year age gap wasn’t big enough to call the younger one a kid. If there was one thing Evan hated, it was being talked down to. But at least Connor stopped smoking that cigarette.

They both jumped slightly when Connors phone went off from across the room and he quickly got up to go answer it, immediately looking angry when he heard the voice on the other line. “Hi mom. Yes. Yes. I know. Sorry. I’m going to hang up now. Bye.”

Connor’s fist was against a wall faster than Evan could ask what was wrong. So instead of asking what was wrong, Evan immediately went to his side, grabbing the other man’s arm when he winded up to punch the wall again. “Stop, Connor, what the hell?” 

That was a bad idea, as he immediately felt Connor breakaway from the hold he had on him, his fist connecting with Evans cheek instead.

It stung bad and his ears started ringing and he stumbled back until he felt the back of his legs hit Connor's bed, so he sat down, holding his face in shock. Did he seriously just punch Evan? Was Evan genuinely just punched by his long term crush and co-star?

Connor was just standing there, looking between Evan and the door, obviously torn between what he should do. He still looked completely pissed, but there was a trace of what looked like concern or regret in his expression.

But Evan knew the anger definitely won as he watched Connor storm out of his room, yelling about how he was going to kill Zoe or something. Evan wasn’t concerned for Zoe’s health, as he knew that Zoe could hold her own when it came to Connor. But he was concerned about how his face felt like someone set it on fire. It seriously hurt.

Evan stood up, trying his best to ignore the yelling that was coming from the siblings, leaving Connors room to make it to the nearest bathroom. Once in it he shut the door loudly, looking in the mirror to assess the damage on his face. His nose was bleeding quite heavily and his cheek was already starting to swell up a bit. Connor really did pack a punch. Evan grabbed some toilet paper to clean up the blood around his mouth and to plug his nose with it, sitting down on the tile floor. He heard Zoe’s bedroom door slam and foot steps coming towards the bathroom, so he scooted over a little bit to where the door wouldn’t hit him when it opened.

Half of him was hoping it was Connor coming into the bathroom. He wanted Connor to apologize profusely and to give him ice and to hug him. But of course it wasn’t. It was Zoe.

Zoe was the one helping him up from the floor, Zoe was the one who gave him a bag of frozen vegetables, Zoe was the one who offered to drive him back to his dorm.

Once in Zoe’s car, his brain clicked that he didn’t hear or see Connor in the house since they stopped yelling at eachother. “Where did Connor go?” He asked quietly as he looked out the window at the suburban neighborhoods they were passing.

Zoe scoffed and shrugged. “Fuck if I know. I don’t really care either. He took his car and left.”

“He shouldn’t be driving while that angry. S’ dangerous.” He spoke just as quietly, pressing his forehead to the cool glass.

“Whatever. He also shouldn’t be punching my best friend in the face. He’s just a douchebag druggie, maybe if we’re lucky he’ll get into a car crash and die.” Zoe muttered, putting on her blinker and turning a little too fast. Maybe that was a Murphy trait, bad drivers when angry.

Evan turned to her, frowning. “Don’t say that. He’s your brother. No one wants him to die.” Evan couldn’t imagine saying anything that harsh about anyone.

“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be defending the guy that punched you in the face.” Zoe sighed when they pulled into the parking lot of Evans dormhouse. “Look, Evan. I know you like him and I know you think you have a chance or whatever because he’s gay too, but I don’t want you to date him. You can’t date someone who punched you in the face because he was angry at his sister.”

Evan unbuckled his seatbelt, opening the car door. “I never thought I had a chance.” He grumbled before stepping out of the car, shutting the door behind him. He knew that Zoe meant well, he knew it, but he didn’t like being treated like someone who couldn’t make their own decisions.

So what, Connor punched him. He should have known not to get in his way when extremely angry like that anyways. The big problem here was that he was driving while very angry and that could potentially put Connor into very dangerous situations.

Evan quickly walked up the stairs to try his best and avoid weird interactions in the elevators, eventually making it up to his dorm..

It doesn’t matter that he was punched. Really. It didn’t. It wasn’t personal. At least that’s what he was trying to convince himself. Connor was very mad at Zoe and couldn’t think straight so when Evan stopped him he lashed out. That was a logical explanation. But when Evan was in tough situations, it was hard for him to be logical. It was very easy for him to get caught up in it and assume the worst. Assume that Connor hated him. He only hung out with him today because he felt bad for him because he was going to be a horrible Veronica.

Evan really hated his brain.

He didn’t go to his evening class that night. Or the two classes he had the next day. He figured they were just first year english and math classes, so they’d be easy to catch up on, right?

Or maybe he would fail and drop out of college and move back in with his mom and work at a bookstore for the rest of his life until his mother died, leaving him with bills to pay that he couldn’t afford, eventually pushing him to suicide.

Or maybe he’d just catch up on his homework tomorrow night.

Either one was possible.

It was days like these where he was the most thankful he didn’t share his dorm with anyone else. No one was there to judge him for lying on his bed and staring at the stick on glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling for hours on end, only getting up to go to the bathroom.

He laid there for hours, cycling between thinking about what happened, thinking about his future, thinking about his past, crying and sleeping. It was sad.

But at least he was better than what he used to be.

Evan was jolted awake from his sleep when he heard his phone ding, surprised it was even alive still, he hadn’t plugged it in since the incident that happened the day before.

He was even more surprised when he read the text.

**Come outside, bring your script. C**

  
  



	5. Forest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not uploading, life has been hectic. To make up for it here's a chapter that I am very proud of and I also promise Jared Kleinman will make an appearance in the next one. Thanks guys!

Of course Evan followed Connors directions, immediately standing up from his spot on his bed, grabbing his script and heading out the door. Evan always followed directions. The last time he didn’t follow directions was in fourth grade when they blew the whistle for recess to be over but Evan didn’t want to go back to class so he climbed a tree. He ended up getting basically humiliated in front of his class and it scared him so much he hasn’t done anything like that ever again.

But that wasn’t what Evan was supposed to be thinking about right now. He was supposed to be thinking about Connor, and how that text was really weird. Maybe Connor hired some homeless people to beat him up once he stepped outside? He probably just said bring your script to make Evan fall into his trap. Or maybe instead of hiring homeless people, he hired a hitman to kill Evan so someone else who was more talented than him could play Veronica. It could be anything.   
  
Despite his hypothetical and slight fear of death, he still left his dormhouse, jumping when he heard a car horn. It was almost sunset so the sky was getting a little darker, but he could still see everything clearly, which he was definitely thankful for. It prevented him from looking around in the dark like an idiot. 

Evan immediately identified Connors car as the one honking and started to walk towards it. He took deep breaths, talking his brain down. No, Connor was not going to laugh at him. No, Connor was not going to kill him. Connor probably was just wanting to rehearse. He opened the car's door and ducked into it, wincing when he realized that the way he just sat down was kind of awkward due to the car's height, but he tried not to dawdle on that fact. Instead, he just buckled his seat belt, closed the door and turned to Connor expectantly.

“Hey.” Evan spoke simply, a polite smile on his face.

Connor turned toward him as well but ignored his greeting, glaring at Evan. “I fucked your face up.” He said after a few seconds of awkward silence, turning back to his steering wheel, leaving the parking lot smoothly.

Evan frowned. Honestly he tries to avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible for personal, sad reasons, but he couldn’t help but pull down the overhead mirror to inspect the damage on his face. Which, surprisingly, was a lot. It wasn’t as swollen as it was the day before but his eye and most of his nose was definitely very bruised. “Oh, wow. You really did mess my face up. I’m sorry.” He murmured, poking at the purple and blue skin, wincing when he realized it still kind of hurts.

Connor turned to him briefly, continuing his glare. “Why would you apologize. That’s so stupid.”

Evan winced again, this time not from physical pain. “Sorry. I just.. It’s a habit. It’s annoying, I know. Sorry.” He shut the mirror and looked down at his lap, sighing when he realized that he did it twice in that sentence alone. “I mean, uh, not sorry?” His tone of voice gave away how uncomfortable he was.

The other boy sighed, pulling onto the highway. “It’s fine. It’s not annoying. I’m not annoyed at you, I’m annoyed at myself.” He admitted quietly, his face so emotionless that Evan thought he was being sarcastic at first. But Evan could tell that he wasn’t. 

A soft “Oh” escaped Evans mouth at that, not knowing how to respond. Was that Connor’s version of an apology? He appreciated the sentiment no matter how kind of half assed it was. As soon as he felt the tension in the car start growing, he changed the subject desperately, clearing his throat. “Um, so, where are we going?”

“Zoe told me you liked trees.” Connor responded cryptically, keeping his eyes on the road. Which Evan was both thankful for, because safety, but it was hard to pick up on emotions without eye contact, so he was just left confused.

Well, confused and embarrassed. Because Zoe had told Connor that he likes trees. 

“Oh, uh, nah, no, no I don’t, well, I mean, I did? When I was in like, pfft, I don’t know, Elementary school or something. But that’s super lame and I’m not into them anymore.” He said, making his voice just a tad bit deeper to sound believable, crossing his arms. It was a lie, obviously. Evan loved trees. He was majoring in Environmental Science, for Christ’s sake.

Connor saw right through him. “Don’t lie to me, that makes me mad.” He glanced towards Evan just to roll his eyes before looking back at the road, taking the next exit.

“Okay. Sorry.”

Evans voice was so quiet that he almost thought Connor didn’t hear him, but when he heard Connors quick “Don’t apologize.” He knew he did.

Both boys stayed silent while Connor drove down a sketchy looking dirt road, turning onto another, then another, then another, before pulling into a parking lot (made of dirt) and parking his car in the corner of it.

This is it. This is where Evan was going to die. Should he send his mom a text telling her that he loved her? Or would that be too gruesome. He already had a will back in his dorm, giving all of his stuff to Zoe or his mom, y’know, just in case. So maybe Connor would set it up like a suicide, right? That’s the smart thing to d-

“Evan, do you have fucking ears? Get out of the car.”

Connor was annoyed. Which means he’d probably make his death more painful.

“Sorry. Okay. Sorry.”

Maybe he was overthinking things a little too much.

Evan stepped out of the car a little more gracefully this time, assuming he wasn’t supposed to bring his script since Connor didn’t have his.

“Hurry up, we’ll miss sunset.” Connor grumbled before turning to walk down a path that for some reason Evan failed to spot until that moment. 

Evan blinked. Sunset? Was Connor taking him to watch the sunset? 

He was about to ask Connor where they were, but they turned a corner and Evans question was immediately answered by a big worn down sign.

A shut down orchard.

Connor Murphy brought Evan to a shut down orchard to watch the sunset together.

Connor continued to walk but his pace picked up a bit, seeming like he knew exactly where they were going. Which honestly Evan didn’t doubt. Connor’s the type of guy that would sneak into an abandoned orchard to do drugs or have sex or something. Or maybe to make younger guys fall in love with him.

Any of those. Probably the third one.

Connor started walking off trail and Evan followed like a loyal puppy or something, only hesitating when Connor started climbing a tree. Evan looked up and gulped, realizing it was a very very tall tree.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.” Connor said with a sigh, a vague undertone of disappointment in his voice.

Connor Murphy was disappointed with the idea of Evan not climbing a tree with him to watch the sunset.

“No, it’s just.. I haven’t climbed a tree since the summer between my Junior and Senior year and that was..” He trailed off, pushing the thought down. Nope. That was not something to reflect on at the moment.

But of course Connor pushed it. “What, did you fall or something?”

“Or something.” Evan echoed before moving forward, getting a good grip on the bark, pulling himself up. Connor looked satisfied enough with Evans actions to drop the subject, and both of them climbed. And climbed. And climbed.

  
Until they stopped. 

 

They were sitting on the same branch, which would of worried Evan if it wasn’t for Connors obvious familiarity with the tree. They were just up high enough to be able to look over the surrounding pines, and they were facing  west to watch the sunset.

“So, uh, is there a reason that you brought me here?”

It was quiet. It was too late for the song birds to be active, and too early for owls and crickets. The only sound that Evan’s ears could pick up was both of their breathing, which was strangely in sync. 

It was almost romantic. This whole situation was.

Connor swallowed audibly. “I’m sorry.” He spoke in probably the most genuine tone of voice Evan has heard from him.

Evan could have cried. In fact, he was kind of afraid that he was going to start to tear up.

“You found out that I liked trees then drove me twenty minutes out of town to an abandoned orchard to watch the sunset in a tree with me because you’re sorry about punching me?” He asked slowly.

“Yup.” Connor’s voice was nonchalant, which nicely matched his relaxed posture and swinging legs. It was cute.

“This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in my entire life. Thank you.”

Connor shrugged in response, not taking his eyes off the view.

Silence was a big part of their friendship, Evan soon came to realize.

If he could even call this a friendship.

The sun was only halfway covered by the treeline when Connor spoke again.

“I know you like me.”   


Evans eyes went wide, whipping his gaze over to Connor. Screw the sunset, he had a crisis to look at.

“I’ve known you liked me since the day I met you. You blush and stutter a lot, though that isn’t saying much because you stutter all the time. Your pupils are also extremely dilated, and I don’t think it’s because you’re just constantly dropping acid.” Connor laughed at his own joke, saying all of this like it was just a casual fact. Which it was, but still. Evan was very surprised.

Evan was so surprised that he had no clue what to say. What the hell do you respond to that with? Yes Connor it’s true I’ve been obsessed with you for months now, date me please.

The sun was almost completely down at this point, there was only a small orange sliver left.

The only thing that came out of Evans mouth was an uncertain “Uh..”

The sun was gone and Connor’s hand was on Evan’s cheek, followed his Connor’s lips against his. Then they weren’t.

Connor started climbing down, leaving Evan on the thick branch, head spinning.   
  
Connor Murphy found out that Evan liked trees then drove him twenty minutes out of town to an abandoned orchard to watch the sunset in a tree with him because he’s sorry and then proceeded to kiss him in said tree.

Evan started climbing down as well, despite it probably being very dangerous with how dizzy and confused he felt already. By the time he got on the ground, Connor already had a cigarette lit, smoke pouring out of his lips, and Evan just stared.   
  
“What?” Connor asked with a very smug smirk on his face. He knew exactly what.

“Nothing.” Evan grumbled, looking at the ground. He was thankful for the dark, knowing his cheeks were definitely pink. He wasn’t about to critique Connors smoking after what had happened. Also if he was being honest, he was kind of afraid of making the other boy mad. Which definitely wasn’t healthy.

Silence fell between the two again as they walked back to Connor's car, Evan trying his best to muster up the confidence to ask a few of the million questions he had in his head. He only did once they were back in Connor's car, driving on the dirt roads again.

“Where are we going now?” He asked simply, taking a deep breath. Might as well start with the easy one.

“I’m taking you home.” Connor responded simply, driving with one hand while he plugged in his phone to the AUX cord, trying his best to multitask while they weren’t on the highway.

Evan frowned, furrowing his eyebrows. “Why’d you tell me to bring my script if we’re not going to rehearse anything?”

“We did rehearse.” His tone of voice made it seem like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which it definitely was not. Evan had no clue what he meant.

“No we didn’t, we just went up the tree and watched the sunset and-”   
  
“And then we kissed. Like our characters do in the script. Multiple times.” Connor was grinning.

Evans heart dropped. He didn’t know how to feel. It wasn’t like he was expecting anything from that kiss, but this was just.. Stupid. That was a stupid thing that Connor had just said and it was a stupid thing that Connor did in that tree. But it’s not like he was about to say that outloud.

“Right. Of course.” Evans voice was dripping with sarcasm and he slumped in his seat, staring out the car window, watching the street lamps pass. 

Evan was mad. Mad and disappointed and upset and sad and hopeful and happy and mad.

It was complicated, and it became even more complicated when classical symphonies started playing from Connor’s car speakers.

“Debussy.” Evan whispered, immediately recognizing the movement. He was a big fan of classical music, it calmed him down and was a good opposite to his other taste in music, which basically consisted of Lady Gaga’s entire discography, mixed with new Beyonce.

Connor didn’t respond and just turned up the music, humming along quietly.

 

Evan was in love.

  
  
  



	6. oh my GOD i am so sorry

Sooo remember when this fic was a thing?? I sure do!  
It's been 9 months since ive even glanced at this thing and i surprisingly am still proud of it. also im recently getting back into the DEH grind so uh...

update soon.

shoutout to people who have recently read/re-read this. y'all are wylin. if any of you want to give me feedback/suggestions/ask me questions that dont have to be related to this at all, hit me up at Cordeliuh on tumblr.

 

see ya soon pals, im gonna delete this when the new chapter goes up. thanks

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos!!! Please comment, I'd love to read what y'all think!!


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